If you did not come here via the Facebook post on Chosen.Knowings, please do not miss this two-minute video .  It is about the longest-married couple in America--together 80 years!  These two embody the heart of the Tantric Way. When asked what made their connection work, John replied: "We just live with contentment and we don't live beyond our means. Just go with the flow."

This article is offered with the intention of providing some very simple ideas that, when truly addressed, can help re-define and strengthen the foundation of our relationships. While focused on the loving partner relationship, the ideas here can be used to clarify the value of any relationship.  If you are still willing to continue playing power games with your mate, this is not for you.

And if you are single and would like to have a loving partner, consider reading this first.

If you are willing to consider these ideas, and you and your partner are willing to talk about them, your relationship may take on an entirely new, productive and mutual perspective.

Excepted from the Relationships chapter of The Wake Up Book:

(The purple heart/pause icons ask you to pause and reflect.  You might choose to spend a little time in silence, focusing on your heart, and noticing how you feel.)

To expect that you will ever truly understand your partner or the opposite sex in general is quite likely an exercise in futility.  We are not here to understand the mysteries of the opposite sex.  We are simply challenged to accept everyone as they are, particularly our partners and family.  That does not mean bailing on aspirations and intents.  It simply means that we accept what is.

Spending huge chunks of time trying to “figure out” your partner is a waste of your energy.  They are, in part, a mystery.  Which is exactly how it’s “supposed to be”.

Most relationships are about power struggle rather than building trust.

Pay attention to the lessons your partner has for you.  Be humbly grateful for those lessons, still being in your Power.   A prime objective in heart relationship is to get to a place of equally shared power and influence with each other.  That means neither dominates---or has a need to dominate---the other.

Again, when you learn to share your power equally with a partner, you are learning that you are as important as any other creature.  Not less.  Not more.  Will you accept this?

We tend to attract to us partners who mirror us.  They show us our challenges, push our buttons, and help us bring up our “stuff” to deal with.

The Quests of Masculine and Feminine

While the larger quest for us all is Universal, the quests of the masculine and feminine tend to have their own character.  Her quest is about the finding of deeper love through lover, family and other relationships.  It's about becoming fully receptive to love.  The masculine quest, on the other hand, emphasizes the finding of freedom and strength.

Woman wants to be filled by sexual intimacy, while man wants to be emptied by it.  In these dynamics, we are learning, as a collective body called humanity, that the process of unfolding is about both fullness and emptiness at the same time.  Paradoxes abound.  Will you flow with them?

Note that the aspects of masculine and feminine can be carried by either sex, so how you approach the material in this section is something that will be influenced by your recognition of what aspects of masculine and feminine each of you carry.  Please contemplate this and discuss with your partner. It is not necessary that each of you agree on these!

How you view the purpose of your relationship determines, to a large extent, its chances of true success as an aspect/tool of your process of unfolding.  There are four basic ways of perceiving the purpose of any relationship.  Sometimes, they may overlap.

1. The purpose of the relationship is for you to punish your partner.  If this is the case, you may not be aware that it is the real purpose.  You may be hiding this from yourself.
2. It is to provide a venue for you to punish yourself.  Again, if this is so, you may not be aware of it.
3. It is to control and be served by the other.

I once asked someone who frequently complained about the marriage-long behavior of his wife: “Why did you marry her?”  The reply: “For regular sex and companionship.”

Let’s give him two points for honesty as we see that the marriage was not set up to even appear to work for them.   It still amazes me that so many couples stick together out of either convenience or fear that they might end up either alone or with an even less-appealing partner. Such fear never serves us.

4. It is to provide a venue for you to serve each other (and maybe others, like your  children), to build trust with each other and to learn from each other.

This does not preclude your taking joy in receiving affection and other gifts from your partner; it simply means that you do not make what you receive the focal point of the relationship.  To truly bond, building trust is prerequisite.  When trust is deep, then receiving nurturance from your partner is natural.  There is no need to measure who is getting the better deal.  There is no need to debate as to who gets their way more often.

To get to this kind of relationship means that you trust each other.

Do you?  

Ask yourself: Which of these purpose perspectives do I have in my primary relationship (or which do I aspire to create with a love partner)?

The first three purpose perspectives shown above are ego-based.    Their gift is realized when one sees that none of them are conducive to either your happiness, your partner’s happiness, or that of your offspring, if you have any.

Am I willing to see that only by claiming the fourth perspective of purpose---or by aspiring to claim it---can I encourage mutual happiness with my partner, offspring, step children, or in-laws?

If trusting each other is a challenge, then a central question to pose with each other in a conversation might be: “To what extent can each of us envision building trust with each other?”

If one of you cannot see the possibility of trust, then the question is this: Why are you together?   Create some clarity on this for yourselves.  In a loving way, without judging the other, share with each other what has held you back from building trust.

Are you both willing to lovingly address these things in your connection with each other?  

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The Wake Up Book is available in downloadable PDF only. You can get it here.

The Relationships Chapter is a 30-page segment of the larger work that includes the central volume in what I call The Awakening eBook Series.

For more information about The Wake Up Book, click here.

With my beloved partner, Cecile Claude

Keywords: longest marraige, John and Ann Betar, 80 year marriage.

It is easy to face what is in front of you when it is your lover stroking your cheek.  It can be tougher when what is in front of you is not so rosy.

That takes guts, takes heart.

The extent to which we are attached to the egoic mind as who we are is the extent to which we are willing to distract ourselves and deny what is in front of us to face.

Many think that the Law of Attraction means avoiding seeing what is in front of us if it is unpleasant.  I've heard some version of this over and over for 30 years: "Don't rain on my parade with news about what is going on in the world.  I'm just focusing on being happy."

Could it be that what we perceive as unpleasant is an opportunity to learn something, to trust something or to truly be present?

Could the unpleasant be seen as our teacher, something that may provoke us to become fed up with that which is not working?

A basic way to get though this life more gracefully and powerfully is to trust that we are in the process of moving beyond any current mess.  This has been at the core of the messages I feel guided to share and have been sharing for a long time.

We have been conditioned to wrongly think that we must fight for what we want and deserve.

The big secret is that no fighting, no resistance, no judgment are necessary or worthwhile.

We move beyond what seems outside us in the same way we move beyond the stupid egoic mind: By withdrawing our attention and support from it.

(pause in silence, notice your feelings)

The shift into higher consciousness does not have any use for trying to fix anything.

It is about facing what is in front of us and trusting that we are in the process of moving beyond it.

There is true power in unity, in trust, and in calm, all facets of Love.

If you choose to read the article linked below with an open heart, and if you can relate to some of what has been said above, then taking some time with this could be truly worthwhile for you.

As you are willing to see with trust, calm and clear eyes the workings of the outer world, your willingness to face yourself expands.

You cannot heal the external world with your will or your vision for it.  You heal the world by healing yourself, and reflecting your pure light to the world.

Your willingess to face and love yourself is what sends healing light to the world.

http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article33776.htm

Some of the core ideas that I have been sharing are found here.

There are over 80 short and free inspirational videos on the video blog at

YourPauseButton.com

If you are still attached to any of the big religions or if you make your life about manipulating anything, then you are not ready for what I am inspired to share.   If that is so for you, please do not bother reading any further here.   Enjoy your journey.  Please note here that I do not consider Buddhism a religion but a way of life. It would be demeaning of Buddhism to lump it in with any of the most popular religons, which steer the people in a very polluted and deceptive manner, all of them.  Buddhism is a way of life.  I do not call myself Buddhist.

A basic element in what I am here to share is that discipline does not mean forcing yourself to do anything or to avoid anything. That is just another way of fighting your Self.   What it does mean is trusting your Self more and more to make conscious choices in your actions and thoughts.  And to forgive yourself and rededicate when you miss.

When playing with what I have created here, I ask that when you see the purple pause icon

you pause and be silent for as long as feels right,

hushing up the chatterbox head, being aware of

your feelings. Your feelings are worthy teachers.

There are many paths to awakening.

In my intent to be of service in creating a very different set of awakening tools, that includes the intent to make what I write as effective as possible for as many folks as I can.

Here is what makes what I create different than what you may have experienced before in your own intent to experience more joy in your life, and to fully awaken:

(1) I don't lay any dogma on you. No set of rules or god expectations. I am not going to tell you if you just believe this or that you will have your ticket to enlightenment punched.

And I would never suggest that if you fail to live by the guidance you find here that when your life is over you will be thrown into some kind of hell or void for eternity.  We create our own heavens and hells during our lives.

Spiritual empowerment  means moving beyond the old illusions that only feed the little self.

Relying on stale and destructive dogma is a way of staying in illusion. Enlightenment is not a product of what kind of God you worship.  It is a reflection of your knowing that it can be a beautiful to walk your path in trust of your own inner guidance.

Applying your wisdom to your response to experience is a big part of what it is all about.

One who is fully awakened responds to all experience with love.

(2) I do not twist the Law of Attraction into something that is distracting and energy-sapping, as many teachers do. You are not going to create the kind of future you want by ignoring or avoiding whatever is in front of you now.

Setting an intent: fine. Spending much time in your head, envisioning any kind of wonderful future tends to be a way of avoiding the present.

Facing the present is a big part of what we are here to do.

Very brief (and maybe even frequent for awhile) reminders of your unattached intent are worthy of your attention. Please consider the possiblity that spending much time with your head in the future is an ego/avoidance tool.

(3) I do not ask you to do a lot of reading, or a lot of chanting, toning or anything else that you may not feel guided to do. A key to what makes this stuff different is that core ideas are very briefly stated. And if you do not resonate with any as stated, I ask you to go within and find your way of expressing them that works for your heart.   Boatloads of books and bunches of weekends at seminars are not going to awaken you.

What awakens is the courage and trust to face yourself and the world as we are.

(4) One aspect I have only recently expanded in my work comes from the realization of the power of humor to bring us into the present moment. For an example you can experience, click here.

(5) And maybe the most important key in what makes my work for you different is the incorporation of silence as a crucial element in the process of awakening.  As you read something that touches you---that is an ah-ha kind of idea or one which seems to provoke resistance---if you are much ego-attached, you will find a way to keep reading, to forget the idea, missing the empowerment opportunity.

As you are aware, when you have any resonating or resisting  response to any idea presented by me---or that is found in any book by anyone---pause: go into the silence and be aware of how you feel.

What is your heart expressing?  What is it teaching you?

Are you willing to listen to it?

Your heart requires your attention if your intent is to live consciously, happily, truly free.

The most effective prayer has nothing to do with petitioning any deity.  The most effective prayer is silence.

A key to awakening is feeling your feelings. We have been conditioned to avoid our feelings, thinking them as something that betrays a weakness, a vulnerability we we would rather not face and deal with. It is important, at some point along the path, to be fully with our feelings as a way of moving on, and as a way of connecting with our deeper nature.  If this resonates for you, please see the reference at the end of this article.

(6) I am not going to offer any instant and all-encompassing solutions to your challenges.  It has taken decades of false conditioning to come to believe what you have believed about who you are and why you are here.  Needing to have it all figured out by next Tuesday is not how it works.  And the others side of that coin is that your shift can happen in the blink of an eye.  As you choose to be honest with your Self, you will sense how close you are.

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It is not possible to fully appreciate the awakening tools I have created if you try to figure them out with your head. The head was not designed to get it. Ego seems to depend on artificial substitutes for love. The apparent survival of the ego depends on us NOT getting the kinds of ideas I offer for your hearts'consideration. I see this as a very useful conceptualization: identification with the heart as who you are.

As I have observed here before, the words of Osho expressed a truth in a very brief and powerful way.: "The mind makes a wonderful slave but a terrible master."

You get to choose what it is.

As you may resonate with what you have experienced here with yourself, you may consider wandering over to the video menu on the Your Pause Button website. Take a look at the titles in the first video menu and pick one that has a title interesting to you. Then use your pause button as often as feels right as you experience the video.  Consider starting with this video.

Play with as many of the videos as you like. I offer this suggestion as you do: Before doing more than one video, take at least a day to keep what you got from it with you. Look at opportunities in your life to apply what has been expressed or with your take on it, expressed your way. The Universe WILL give you opportunities for your heart to gauge your true resonance with an idea if you will simply choose to recognize your power to gently hush your head.

If what you experience in this article and any of the videos resonates with you, then I invite you to see which of the books I have created that might be worthy of your attention.

Also, the non-video genesis of the forthcoming Chosen Knowings series of 19 very short videos may be found on Facebook here.

All Love,

Carlo Ami

With my beloved partner, Cecile Claude

What Makes Your Life Holy?

Lessons from a Sweet Girl

Religions around the world celebrate holidays this time of year.  The Christians of our planet commorate the birth of Jesus, while other religions remember key moments or successes in their history or simply honor their gods in special ways.  In the so-called real world, meanwhile, we pretend that we have not been naughty over the past 11 and a half months so that Santa will bring us good stuff from those we love or pretend to love.

A developmentally-challenged 17 year-old to reminded me of how thoroughly we have allowed our religions and cultures to distract us from our destiny of loving harmony.

Yes, it is fine to be proud of ones' cultures contributions to the world.  No, there is nothing wrong with celebrating holidays honoring our dead leaders.  And we have taken that way over the top, living lives that reflect our sense of cultural superiority, religious elitism, judgment and foolish righteousness.

And collectively we have become so steeped in hypocrisy that we are getting closer and closer to the point at which the loving truth will soon no longer be deniable.

This girl is someone who "gets it."  She was not blessed with the ability to articulate what "it" is.  That is not her gift.  She speaks most fluently in the language of the heart, best expressed in her feelings and in what she presents to the world via her eyes, her radiance.

Let me introduce you to one of my greatest teachers.  This is my niece, Laura, a sweet 17 year-old who brings a lot of joy to the world.

The picture above was taken as she awaited her fathers' appearance as Santa Claus in a local theatrical production on Sunday.  Her Dad is my brother. I am seeing my brother and his children for the first time in three years.

She knows her nature is love and she shares this love with the world in a radiant way through her smile and her eyes.

Laura with her Dad.

Living in a world of vanity, insecurity and fear, she doesn't have time for any of these.  At an age when most girls her age are obsessed with their make-up, she doesn't use any.

Make up cannot give a radiance to one who feels unloving or unloved.  Buckets of color will not decieve.

While society seems caught up in the need to compare and judge, she is just herself, often oblivious to others' judgement of her, or at least willing to see how unimportant that judgment of her is to her.

While some so-called normal people hold grudges and refuse to forgive, Laura forgives easily.  And this is, of course, a gift to herself.tt

My sense of it is that while she may realize that she is different from most people in many ways, none of those ways are particularly important.  At some level, she recognizes that we are all equal and we all have our "stuff," but that doesn't make anyone any better or worse, or more or less worthy than anyone else.

Many make this season about giving better and more expensive gifts while they spend the rest of the year trying to manipulate or out-get others.

While many religions and cultures worship a harshly judging god and encourage us to judge others, we can take into our lives the knowing that it doesn't serve us to judge at all.

Society has conditioned many of us to condemn others.  This is a season that encourages us to love and bless even the "bad guys" who have tried to dominate and weaken us.

What can make this season more holy for us is remembering more and more and more easily that all that happens in our life is an opportunity to respond with love.  Whatever happens can be as either easy to love or as a chance to be loving.

Though Laura may not  able to express it in words, she understands it at a heart level. Our children are our teachers, and sometimes the lessons that pack the powerful messages come from the ones who many dismiss as lesser or deficient.

What can make this season more holy for any of us is to remember what Laura lives that goes far beyond mere words: the choice to feel and reflect her deep loving nature.  This may be the most God-like thing we can ever do.

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The time has come for our world to take a great leap in consciousness, in calm, in happiness and in harmony.  This is to be made possible as we drop old and outmoded beliefs that drain our loving energies.

What follows is my prescription for your consideration.  I judge you in no way if this does not fit for you now.  I am at peace with you no matter who you are, whether you are at peace with me or not.

Religion as it is practiced in our world today is one of the most destructive factors in the sad state of our world.

It is time for us to move beyond it.

It is time for more of those willing to be in touch with their hearts to drop allegiance to ignorant and hypocritical  religions.  And that includes all of the big religions.  Please note that I would consider it quite unfair to Buddhism to lump it in as a religion.  It is a way of life, not a religion.  I do not call myself a Buddhist.  If I used a label, I'd call myself a Pantheist, though even that term has been polluted with all kinds of variations. There are some wonderful, loving religions, among them the Unitarian Universalist, Religious Science and Unity, to name a few.

As I see it, the purpose of any worthy religion would be to unite and empower its followers.  All the big religions do exactly the opposite: they divide us and weaken us.

Within the religion that calls itself Christianity there are over 30,000 denominations, all disagreeing over some nuance of what they think ought to be called dogma.  How's that for unity?

I am not intending to offend anybody here, or to push anything on you that you don’t want.  So if you are comfortable in your belief that God is both all-loving and willing to damn anyone to eternal torture, then I bless you on your way.  I have nothing to offer you here if that is your mindset.

For one who has truly looked at the history of humanity, it at some point becomes impossible to deny: that the commonly-held image of God, or Allah or however one likes to refer to It, was invented by a very few human beings who wanted to control larger numbers of people.

The god of their creation, like much of humanity itself, is certifiably schizophrenic.  He loves you. And He is willing to damn you to eternal torture if you break one of His rules.  The big book written in his name, the book we call the Bible, is likewise loaded with contradictions and some very unloving, non-compassionate teachings.

Anyone who suggests that they are a Bible literalist is telling us that they, too, are schizophrenic.

The whole idea of professing to be a "bible literalist" is simply absurd to any reasonably intelligent person.  Some folks actually put a picture like this out in complete seriousnes:

Well, the truth is that the Bible has lots of very loving and worthy content that is intermixed with a variety of contradictions and total misinformation.

And you might consider this, too:

Still, there are some thinkers who are very clear about who wrote the Bible:

The fact that few are willing to admit is that religion was invented by greedy folks who discovered a new way to control people and get them to pony up their money.

The Catholic Church tells us that it is good to be poor, and that we should give our money to those less fortunate.  Of course, this does not apply to the church leaders who surround themselves in opulence and sit on a vast fortune largely plundered from conquered non-believers.

and the same organization is loaded with homosexuals and pedophiles in the clergy.   And it  has plenty of money to pay "retribution" to those abused. "The faithful" cling to the silly notion that clergy child abuse is minor and isolated, despite the huge settlements the church has paid, despite the clear attempts to cover up the problem and move priests around to new congregations where they would have a fresh set of victims.  This defines the word unconscionable.

We have media figures who sell millions of books while spouting this kind of stuff:

And the creative mind can be quite imaginative in coming up with ways to maintain allegiance to their schizophrenic God.

And if one believes in a judging, critical God, then it would make sense to judge others:

Though there is nothing at all in the Bible suggesting that Jesus ever said anything negative about homosexuals, the big religions choose to damn them.

Some folks feel so strongly about their religion, that they somehow think that God wants them to push it on other people who have not asked for their opinion.  We have Jehovah's Witnesses:

Knock. Knock.  Might that be another Jehovahs Witness at your door?

Despite all this lunacy, there are plenty of folks who insist on spreading "the Word of God."  And the world is getting tired of them.

This is deep stuff from Steven Colbert.  For some willing to be real, it may come to this:

As screwed up as Freud was about a lot of things, he got this one right:

And how are we to fully appreciate what is called the Divine Feminine when most of the religions assign servant roles to women?

I was listening to an interview on National Public Radio today in which the interviewee frequently referred to God as “He.”

Over the years, I have heard a number of explanations for the rather incredible theory that somehow there is a supreme deity who has a use for a penis.

And none of those reasons have ever made any sense to me.

What’s He going to do with it, chase around Mrs. God?

Some strict Bible literalists will tell you that we were made in Gods’ image and likeness, as if there were some huge fella up there somewhere who looks like us.  Maybe the strange belief is that we will look upon “Him” with less fear if we think “He” looks like us.  It could be, too, that His skin is white, and red and yellow and brown, patches here and there so that we all feel represented.

What of all the women of the world?  Are they to sit idly and accept the inferior roles that almost all of our religions give them?  Are they to be expected to meekly be guided by the old religion-directive in marriage vows to “love, honor and obey” their husbands?   Should we expect that women are just not seen by God as good enough to serve the same roles as priests?

Again , if we look at our history, we see rather clearly that the big religions---all of them---subjugate women, stifling the expression of the divine feminine because this aspect of the feminine is seen as threatening to the control of the religion over its’ followers.

We have much to learn from the women of the world.  This is no minor point!   The lessons of  the Divine Feminine may be the essence of what we are all here to embody.  Big religions do their best to keep women subservient, not even in control of their own bodies.  I could go on, but you get the point and this article is long enough already!

As a world community, we are now on the verge of awakening to our true and loving power, the power of love.  Adherence to the any of the big religions is contra-indicated if we are to move through this transition with a minimum of suffering.

So the prescription:

Consider the possiblility that no matter who you are, you are divine, connected to everything in a way that the mind cannot and will not understand.

To understand it would be the death of ego.  And that imaginary little gremlin seems to be willing to do anything to maintain its position.

For this prescription to have the power to awaken, trust of the guidance of the heart is essential. You can choose it.

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For the other segments in this Awakening Preparation Prescriptions, go here.  If this is the first one you have seen, I suggest that you start with the first one.

To see the thumbnails of the Awakening Series of eBooks, click here.

There are over 70 very brief inspirational videos I have produced. You can find them here.

This segment is also serving as Awakening Preparation Prescription 8

For simplicity and ease of access, all the segments in this Chosen Knowings Series are going on the article blog, whether they include one of my videos or not.

This one is revolves around speculating about the future.  Please consider pausing and just being silent when you see the heart-pause icon. Here is the full text:

I release the need to speculate about the future in either a hopeful or fearful way.

I know when to accept something as a mystery and when to trust what I know.

As I am present, fear and doubt cannot even appear to exist in me.

This calm presence is a major gift to myself and to my world.

I trust myself to handle whatever comes my way.

In dropping both past and future, I experience the bliss of pure

innocence.

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For the first 5 Chosen Knowings ideas, click here.   See facebook.com/Chosen.Knowings for the others in the series of 19 which are being introduced one at a time.  It is suggested that you move through no more than one CK per day, paying attention to how the Universe will give you feedback on what you choose to know.

Brief video commentary on Chosen Knowing 11

The video will be up Tuesday morning.

The first 5 Chosen Knowing in one place is here.

See other Chosen Knowings as they are introduced at Facebook.com/Chosen.Knowings.

For thumbnail information on the Awakening Series of eBooks, click here.

This is also the 7th in the Awakening Preparation Prescription Series.

Offered as your equal: With the intent to reach as many receptive hearts as soon as possible, I have been guided to release the 7th and 11th Chosen Knowings this week.   It's how I have been guided.  I do not know why.  The posting of subseqent Chosen Knowings segments will also be made as I am guided. Much of this seems to be related to how many people are taking notice, so your feedback is appreciated.

While we may or may not notice any big changes this Friday, it is clear that accelerated changes are happening in our world and in our consciousness.  The messages I offer are not for everyone.  I am not here to do any convincing.  I am here with a gift for those whose hearts are receptive.  Please do not push any of my work on those who are not receptive.  To do so is a drain on your energy and that of the collective.

The 11th Chosen Knowing will be released in the next few days.  Here is the full content of Chosen Knowing 7.

If, indeed, all life experience is a series of teachings, the lesson is never that we are victims.  Neither are we to take the role of judge, as we have foolishly played a role that is not practiced by any god.  To play either role would weaken us.  As I am present, I understand that it is not up to me to judge anyone else or to feel victimized by them.  I release any self-identification as victim, or as judge.

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Please keep this idea with you...or your truth about the idea expressed in your own way...with you for 24 hours before going on to any of the other Chosen Knowings.

Our response to life events in the days to come will determine the ease with which we will transition in our realization of our nature.  If you now see yourself as a victim, or if you fear that you will soon become a victim, you deplete your own energy and that of the collective.

The essential choice that will become more and more clear is that between love and fear.  An extended way to put it:  It is between love/trust and fear/doubt.

Many will very soon be faced with making a clear and committed choice between these two apparent poles.

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As you follow through with this idea, the Universe...or God or Allah, or whatever you prefer to call It....will give you feedback in the form of your experience.  As you choose to be aware of life as your greatest teacher, you will receive from it lessons you can use.

For more insight on how you can most effectively deal the changes that are happening, please see this article addressing the question of What Will Happen on December 21.

For the first 5 Chosen Knowings, see this article.

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The intent of my work is to help smooth our collective path to harmonious consciousness.  Most of the tools I offer are availble for free at YourPausebutton.com My work is very different from what you will see anywhere else.  I do not ask you to accept my  truth, but to have the courage to go within to find your own.  A key aspect of my work: encouraging you to go into the silence with a knowing, whether it is as I have expressed it or as you feel more powerful in expressing our own knowing about the matter at hand.  Run it through your heart.  If you try to figure it out with your head, you just stay stuck in the old patterns.